There really isn't any point in reading this post, because it's mostly just me venting. I'm crazy, emotional and pregnant. A lot of people have heard me complain about how tough things are right now, and some have even read about it through my blog or Facebook. Anyone close to us knows that the last year and a half has not been the easiest for us. I've always been a firm believer that God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle, and that I should always be looking for life's lessons in each of our hardships... But lately I have been struggling.
Jordyn has hands down been the greatest blessing God has ever given me. The first moment I looked into her eyes, my entire life took on a whole new purpose. I never imagined I could love someone so much. I feel such great responsibility to be a good mom, and have tried my best to always put her first. I'm sure I've made plenty of mistakes in mothering, but I promise that my heart has always been in the right place. After months of daycare, Scott and I decided it would be best if I were able to stay at home with her. I'm constantly obsessing if she is on track with development, eating well enough, getting enough sleep and generally being happy.
Just a few months after Jordyn's birth, we found out that my Dad has stage 4 thyroid cancer. I can't even begin to describe how devastating this has been for us and the amount of heartache this has caused for our family. Even writing this now, I'm having to pause to wipe the tears from my eyes. This hasn't been a subject that I have opened up about to too many people, for many reasons: I don't want pitty, when people acknowledge my feelings it makes me cry, this isn't about me and my feelings (it's about my Dad), most people don't understand and I don't expect them to, there isn't anything anyone can say that could make it better, I want to be strong, I don't want to make people feel awkward, and honestly I don't want to think about Cancer... I don't want it to be real. I don't want my Dad to read this or know how much I worry because I don't want him to worry about me. Cancer is impossible and unfair. Every time we get bad news it sends me into panic mode and I start thinking about all of the negative outcomes. He is so strong and positive, I am so thankful that he is such a fighter. He is currently on his second clinical trial drug and we are praying it's effective. I am doing my best to stay positive with him.
Last March Scott's job sent him to Ely, Nevada. Not having him here with me everyday sucks. He is such a good dad and husband... We need him! I know it sucks even worse for him. It's lonely on both ends. I'm here isolated with Jordyn and he's just isolated. For a whie I was watching other babies and spending all of my time with people in diapers, starving for adult interaction, but now it's just Jordyn and me. He spends all his time with smelly construction workers and then goes home to live in a motorhome all alone. Jordyn misses her dad and I miss my husband. It's tough to do simple things like get a hair cut or go to the doctor because Jordyn has to go with me. I complain about him being gone all the time and I wish I could be stronger, but I'm trying. Being a single parent is hard. It requires a lot of energy, and can be very lonely. I still can't believe that Scott has been gone for almost a year now.
One would think that we had a pretty full plate by this point, but we're crazy and wanted to add another baby to the mix. I am so happy to be pregnant again, and feel so blessed to be expecting a boy this April. Scott and I always wanted our kids close together and we both really wanted my Dad to be around for all of our children. Still, some people still think we're crazy and maybe even irresponsible for spreading ourselves so thin... To them I say boo! Of course this pregnancy has had complications... I almost lost him at 13 weeks and was put on bed rest. How the hell does a full time mom do bed rest? I have had to rely on family so much and I hate doing that! Since baby boy Davis is measuring so big, it looks lime I'm going to have to have a repeat C-section. Scott gets to take 4 weeks of f whe. This baby is born, but I'm nervous about handling both kids on my own when he leaves while still trying to heal from major surgery. I have no idea how I'm going to be able to do all of this, but I'm going to try my best.
I am trying so hard to hold everything together and still be a good mom, wife, daughter, sister, daughter-in-law and friend, but I sometimes feel like I'm failing at everything. I don't know why I'm bitching about all of this in a blog late at night, maybe it's because I got in a fight with my mother-in-law and miss my husband and can't sleep.